“Give me a Leonard Cohen afterworld, so i can sigh eternally”
(Bunuhlah aku –seperti dalam cerita Leonard Cohen- sehingga aku mendapatkan kedamaian abadi)
-Pennyroyal Tea –NIRVANA-
Tiba-tiba hari ini saya teringat tentang seorang sosok yang dulu, sangat memberikan inspirasi dan pengaruh yang nyata bagi kehidupan saya, orang itu menuliskan surat terakhirnya sebelum dengan sangat putus asa dia mengakhiri hidupnya dengan tragis, 13 tahun silam.
“Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complainee. This note should be pretty easy to understand. All the warning from the punk-rock 101 courses over the year. Since my introduction to the, shall we say, ethers involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven’t felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guilty beyond word about these things. For example, when we’re backstage and the light go out and the manic roar of the crowd begins it doesn’t affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury who seem to love, relish in the love and adoration from the crowd. Which is something i totally admire and envy. The fact is i can’t fool you. Any one of you. It simply isn’t fair to you or me. The worst crime i can think of would be to trip people off by faking it and pretending as if i having 100% fun. Sometimes i feel as if i should have puch in time clock before i walk out on stage. I’ve tried everything within my power to appreciate it, and i do. God believe me I do, but it’s not enough. I appreciate the fact that i and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. I must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they’re gone. I’m too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasm i once had as a child, in our last three tour i had much better appreciation for all the people a’ve known personally and fans of our music, but i can’t get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy i have for everyone. There’s good in all of us and i think i simply love people too much. Too much that it makes me feel to f**king sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man! Why don’t you just enjoy it? I don’t know. I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what i used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and i will do her no harm, and that terrifies me to the point where i can barely fuction. I can’t stand the thought of Frances becoming messerable self-destructive, death-rocker that i’ve become. I have it good, very good, and i’m grateful but since the age of seven i’ve become hateful towards all human in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along, and have empathy. Empathy! Only because i love and feel for people too much i guess. Thank you all from the pit of my burning nauseous stomach of an erratic, moody baby! I don’t have the passion anymore and so remember. It’s better to burn out than to fade away”
Peace, love, empathy
P.S : please keep alive Courtney, for Frances, for her life that will be happier without me. I love u. I LOVE U
Kurt Cobain meninggal hari itu, tepat di usia 27 Tahun, 1 bulan, 16 hari.
inspired by : Heavier than Heaven